Bitcoin and Friends | Episode 1

Rest easy, you have yet to build your
Who are you?
I am your father
Where am I?
I have to leave you son, for your safety.
I will always be with you.
What am I doing here? What am I?
The hell am I?
Yo, want some ice cream?
Where, where am I?
New Jersey.
Where’s New Jersey?
United States, man.
Where’s the United States?
Earth, motherfucker!
Where’s the earth?
Bro, for real
I need to get my eight hours. This shit catching up.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you from the bank?
I paid my mortgage, man. I paid my
You people have no souls!
But sir, I’m not from the… [Gunshot] Oohhh!
What is going on?
Oh, hell yeah!
[Button click]
Song: “Pop Goes the Weasel”
Ice cream!!
Much appreciated.
Hey man, what do we got.
Creamy Crunch, King Cone, snow cone, turtles, you name it.
Well, your standard ice cream cones and flavors.
Crack, hashish, ecstasy, molly…
And locally sourced black-tar heroin.
I’ll take the heroin.
Okay, who’s next?
I was hoping that you’d have some peanut
butter pie, peanut butter pie perhaps.
Who am I?
What’s this place?
I am all alone.
Hey there kid, why am I al…
[Bitcoin vomiting]
It’s so cold.
I’m so wet.
I might starve.
I don’t want to die.
Order up!
Oh, please!
We’ll see.
Ice cream! Ice cream please.
Um, I think I’ll take the ice cream please.
I’m sorry sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to pay in advance.
Okay, will this be enough?
Ice cream please!
Fuck you!
Well, well, well, who do we have squatting in our home?
It’s a cardboard box.
Are you saying Terry and I’s home is a piece of shit?
Well, it’s not not a piece of shit.
This clowns got some nerve. I guess if our home’s shit we’re shit too huh, punk?
No you’re human but you do smell of it.
if we smell like shit, you’re gonna smell like piss.
Hey gentlemen, hey you can’t, you
gotta put them things away man.
Do you want to get pissed on too?
You all right? Come on let’s get out of
Hey man, go ahead now I already told you.
Hit me up next week. I got that cold hard cash with a K comin’ for ya.
Ignore her. She all bark.
What’s the “B” stand for?
I don’t know. My dad gave it to me.
Who is your dad?
That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
Ha, welcome to the club, man.
Will you help me find him?
Shit man, at a certain point you come to realize
if he ain’t here, fuck him. You feel me?
I have so many questions. I don’t know why I’m alive.
Man, I’ve been here 45 years and my ass still don’t know.
Look, you gotta shut that existential shit out.
And when you’re struggling to fight that shit off, it’s brownie time. No what I’m talking about?
What’s this?
The police call it an “illegal substance.”
Why is it illegal?
I’ve been asking myself the same thing for years.
You have a lot of questions.
But you never have the answers.
Man, you just say whatever crawls into your Orange-ass head, don’t you?
I suppose.
Well shit. No wonder why your father dipped on your ass!
Not in the ice-cream man. Look, look man you’re not alone.
It feels like yesterday. I was wandering
the aisles of department stores looking
for my father too. Look I’ll help you. Stop
crying. I need to think.
Well, I guess a DNA test won’t work.
You are not the father!
Don’t worry it’s normal.
Shit, this shit must be laced.
Mmm mmm something in there.
Let me see that.
Come with me.
Where are you going?
The whitest place on earth.
Jones! Where have you been hiding?
You come to play video games with Herald again?
Hmmm yes, is he home?
He sure is, in the basement as usual.
Harold, Vitalik, Jones is here.
Yo, Herald.
Mitalik, get this little pecker, cast “Intimidating Scream.”
[Kid over computer] “Cast intimidating scream.”
Shut the fuck up you little bitch! If you repeat me one more time.
[Kid over computer] “If you repeat me one more time.”
Boom, got you you little bitch. How’s it feel to be broken up in my Quaker Oatmeal cereal?
Yeah, suck on that hilt!
[Switch thrown]
Mom! What the fuck?!!
[Switch thrown]
Jones, man you’re just in time.
(Whispered) We ran out of our stash.
Oh no, I’m not here for all that man.
I need your thoughts and opinion on something.
This is my buddy “B.” He’s looking for his father.
What the hell is he, she, it. I don’t know what fucking pronoun to use for him, her.
I’m caught in this loop man you gotta help me.
Listen, that’s why we’re here. Our ass don’t know. “B” don’t even know.
He got some nerdy ass code showing up on his arm. Looks real technical.
Mitalik, I might need you on this one.
Well, that’s interesting hmmmmm mmmm interesting.
Herald, get the firewire.
We still cool right?
Uhh yeah.
[Typing sounds]
Mitalik, tell me what you’re doing.
Okay, just ignore me then. No hot pockets for you.
[Fast typing]
They solved the double spend problem.
Harold, do you still have your old GTX50?
Does a duck have wings? Did my mom get herpes before I was born?
[From upstairs] Harold, I’m going to be vacuuming up here.
Yeah, I still have it.
[Bitcoin puking]
Seriously, I gotta lay off brownies.
This appears to be some sort of peer-to-peer electronic cash network.
Peer what?
It works as an immutable, decentralized public ledger that everyone can see.
Listen, I need you to explain this to me and break it down like I was straight-up retarded.
This network finally fixes the fundamental
problem of digital assets and scarcity.
With digital items what’s to stop
someone from just simply copy and pasting digital information ad infinitum?
Think about it in terms of Bloodcraft.
We just got the “Orb of Wisdom,” the rarest
item in Bloodcraft.
What’s to stop the developers from copy
and pasting 50 orbs and hocking them on eBay?
I bet they hook up their personal
accounts! That fucker Dark Rider had a
+16 Black Sword that he’s been fucking
me up the ass with all week.
[From upstairs] Language please.
Oh, you want that treasure? Nope! Fucked up the ass!
Oh, you want to cast that spell? No! Fucked up the ass!
And that’s my point.
[From upstairs] Language Harold, language!
What do we have to do in order to just enjoy our games?
Don’t look at me, shit I don’t know
what the fuck’s going on.
Still don’t know what the fuck’s going
[From upstairs] I said language Harold!
We have to trust the developers.
Bloodcraft runs off of centralized servers
which means they could have made 10,000
+16 Black Swords without us ever
If blood craft ran off a decentralized network like “B” here then the code is publicly distributed
for the whole world to see. “B” here could change the very fabric of trust in the digital age.
Promises would no longer be held in
the palms of those in power
but forged in immutable and incorruptible code!
Guys, I don’t know what any of this is.
I just want to find my dad.
Don’t stress. His orange ass tends to say whatever the fuck is on his mind.
[From upstairs] Harold!
Well that’s the whole
point of a decentralized public ledger.
They don’t have the capabilities of
[From upstairs] Harold!
Does he look like a nerd?
Point to the nearest virgins.
Shit, “B” we gonna have a lot of fun.
Sorry Vitalik, I can’t help it.
I think I’m in love with you.
Can, can you help me find my dad nerd?
Would you mind?
Playboy’s been depressed since I found his
ass wandering the streets.
This is the most beautiful thing I’ve
seen since the Bloodcraft “Ice Throne” expansions came out!
Looks like the public repository was posted on Source Forge.
Is that his name up in the corner? You know the one I can totally pronounce
but I choose not to because I want to hear you say it.
Satoshi Nakamoto.
Anyone got a phone book?
No need. Borian Nakamoto born Borian Satoshi Nakamoto, 1954.
Shit, man we need to work together sometime.
555 Westchester Avenue.
Who’s up for a road trip?
I have to meet this man!
Load up the virgins.
Left on Main St. then four miles south on Clover. Winds ten degrees from the east.
A little overkill but I got you.
And I’m watching you back there
Harold. No stealing my drugs.
Okay, so drugs is off the table. What
about the ice cream?
I’ll give a mother fucker one cone on the house.
Anything but my sherbert.
And anybody touch my sherbert bitch getting choked out in here. You already know.
How come you don’t live in one of these houses Jones? They’re nice.
Yours is, ugly.
I did. The world just went
to shit man; the biggest stock crash
since the Great Depression.
I lost everything: my house, my 10 kids,
my wife. I’m gonna miss that girl too. Them fine titties!
You’re late.
Here Jones, I can translate .
I guess we at the right place.
I called you five hours ago! Come in! Come in!
Hey man, your son’s right here.
Come! Follow me.
You clean the pool!
The hell you talking about?
I ain’t cleaning your pool. You clean your
own damn pool!
You clean the pool! Or you are fired!
Bitch, I’m a self-employed entrepreneur. I don’t work for your ass.
I came here to bring your son home who apparently you left on the street to have to turn tricks for a living.
Son? What is this? This is not my son.
Talk to this man.
You released the cashless, peer-to-peer network via Source Forge, on January 9th.
If Source Forge cleans my pool, then yes, I released it.
Fathers are always in denial. This is commonplace on earth.
This is not my son.
Look at her, she’s never carried a child.
Clean swimming pool.
Listen I’m trying to keep it cool because of the kid and these two frail-ass
white boys that’s present, but if
you ask me to clean your fucking pool
one more time, I’m gonna knock your ass
smooth out and sink Moby Dick over there.
Swimming pool!
Oh my god. Lord Jesus. Motherfucker!
[punching sound]
See sometimes “B” when people just won’t
stop fucking with you
You got to use a little physical force. You’ll
hear a lot of people say shit like
violence ain’t the answer and blase, swaze, this that and the third.
But sometimes the only thing left to do is to wrap your hands around a motherfucker throat.
Hey man.
Hey, I fucked up. This one’s on me.
I said one on the house, Harold.
I was hoping to track Satoshi through the network’s domain registration
but it looks like Satoshi used
a prepaid debit card to pay through anonymous speech dot org.
Why would he want to hide like a bitch?
It kind of makes sense. The creator of a digital currency capable of undermining government backed fiat
would want to use a pseudonym.
The founder of the Liberty Dollar,
Bernhard von NotHaus, was jailed in
2007 for counterfeiting.
Wait, so these little mini-mes that he’s been shitting out his mouth all day could be money?
What makes money isn’t just the
intrinsic properties it carries
but the community of people who agree it has value and are willing to exchange them for good and services.
This sounds really fishy to me. Like Jared Fogle’s computer fishy.
[Puking sound]
No, real talk. Why does be keep
throwing up shit?
These little guys are the Bitcoin currency. They’re block rewards for securing the network.
That’s a reward?
“B” here will spit them up every 10 minutes for years to come.
Now they’re off to the miners as payment for securing the network through cryptographic hashing.
In this way, unaffiliated parties from
all over the world are incentivized to
support the network, not break it down.
Well the network just started. There
can’t be that many people mining it.
No, not at this point.
Which means?
We just need to follow the coins!
Buckle up.
Shit these muhfucka fast!
Come on, show me
what this ice-cream truck can do!
Don’t you stop for that red light.
Hey Mrs. Peters.
Are you coming to play
video games with Alex this week?
If he gives me a call I’ll come over.
It’s green, go!
Gotta run.
[Tire screech]
Jones, take a left on fourth.
Come on man, chase that puke!
Ice cream!
Give me ice cream, clown!
The hell!
I said, give me ice craughhh!
[Tire screech]
You’re driving like Helen Keller. Come on
man go!
Damn, everybody out.
When in the hell did they start
making intersections like this?
Back to square one.
Bitch, I told you one cone.
This is the same one man!
Bullshit! You had vanilla last time.
Get off my back.
I hate everything.
Don’t worry “B.” We’ll figure it out.
[Puking sound]
Lace-up motherfuckers.
The house belongs to the computer scientist by the name Mr. Pal Fifty.
Anyone wants to take the lead?
[Knocking sound]
Anyone home?
My thermal map is displaying a positive
readout in the living room.
Excuse me, Mr. Fifty?
Mr. Fifty, is this your son?
The chosen one.
Come here.
I won’t hurt you.
You don’t sound like my dad.
You will do much, should you accept the call.
Go on “B.”
He wasn’t a cripple either.
(When people just won’t stop fucking
with you, you gotta use a little physical force.)
Haugh Huh!
“B” get back here!
Hey, you gonna have to excuse “B.”
He’s hella confused about everything.
His name isn’t “B.” His name is Bitcoin and he’ll be back.
Even in his infancy he has strength.
So why did you leave the little motherfucker?
There are many things I cannot speak of.
However, what I can tell you is
those standing here in this room are
privileged beyond measure.
You are witnessing history in the making.
First came fire,
then agriculture,
then the Industrial Revolution,
then the Internet,
and now
the Blockchain.
Oh, you’re definitely not the first one to
tell me this is the greatest shit since sliced bread.
And I won’t be the last!
We’re laying the foundation of a new economic order.
Are you saying that someday I could trade some of these little bitcoins for millions, cash?
Oh my child, what I’m trying to tell you is
that when you’re ready
you won’t have to.


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